Lost

I wrote this a long time ago—I don’t remember precisely when. It is not precisely true right now, at least not all the time—but I thought it might offer a window into my struggles with “mental illness.” Also, I’ve been inactive on this website for quite some time. I figure I’m long overdue for a post. And once again, I wonder whether I should give up fantasy writing and, instead, concentrate on this site.

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            I am utterly lost. I am constantly wandering through a spiritual wasteland. I don’t know what reality is anymore (Does anyone?). All of this stems from my so-called mental illness (Schizoaffective Disorder) and perhaps, to a lesser extent, from my poor, beleaguered brain overanalyzing everything.

Sometimes I think the universe is Satan. When Jesus said, “The Ruler of this World,” he meant “The Ruler of this Cosmos,” and he meant Satan. Sometimes this interpretation dovetails quite nicely with other statements in the Bible. Other times, nothing adds up and I don’t know what to think. Sometimes I think I’m the antiChrist; other times, I think I’m just mentally ill. Lately, for the past couple of years anyhow, I’ve believed I’m the antiChrist. Such is my lot.

They say you are supposed to spread the Gospel. I have no idea how to do that; I’m not a proselytizer. When people get preachy, I get uncomfortable. Unless it is in a church—that’s why I go there: to be preached to. I have no problem discussing God philosophically. In fact, those are the most interesting conversations. But there are very few philosophers in my circles these days. Years ago, I was talking about God—philosophically, of course—at a bar, and one of my friends got very uncomfortable and he told me so the next day. Apparently, talk of God just isn’t ‘cool.’ Regardless, I was a philosopher at the time, and talk of God’s existence or non-existence is our bread and butter. So, I nattered away about some obscure theological point anyway, and was perfectly content.

Nowadays, I’m still a philosopher and I love philosophical conversations about God, but proselytizing? I’m not comfortable with speaking of God to someone who doesn’t want to listen. That is the trick I wish I could learn: how to talk about God without driving others away. It seems the Church as a whole would profit immensely if it could learn that trick: a non-aggressive, non-intrusive form of proselytizing. Still waiting to see if someone can figure that one out.

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