A word of warning: please do not read this if you are under eighteen years of age or if you have lost a loved one recently and are still grieving.
First things first: I am the antichrist, but I absolutely do NOT want Satan to win. Satan is the biggest [attach infinite succession of profanities here] imaginable.
Is there a hell? Yes. I’ve been there. However, it was NOT created by God, but by Satan in defiance of God. Satan is playing both parts: he’s been impersonating deities since the dawn of time prophesying of a great conflict between Good and Evil at the end of the world; but, like I said, he’s the one playing both parts. The real God has been largely silent waiting patiently for us to figure him out.
Anyway, who’s in hell? Not who you think. As a result of my antichrist experience, I’ve come to realize that the universe is Satan’s creation and it is a domain where justice is reversed according to the Devil’s whim. In Satan’s cosmos, all the Hitlers go the heaven, and all the Gandhis go to hell. I’ve seen a number of Youtube videos about hell on-line. If you research the topic, you’ll find various dire warnings and horrifying claims like: Martin Luther is in hell (so a Catholic visionary reports), Pope John Paul II is in hell (so a Protestant visionary reports), or even 99% of all Christians are going to hell (some other devout Christian visionary reports). How do you make sense of all this? Well, I think all three are correct. Satan has been tossing good people into hell for untold thousands of years. By my reckoning, I’d say both Martin Luther and Pope John Paul II were good men. Neither one deserves eternal damnation. But Satan condemned both to hell in an effort to turn the men against God. Basically, I’m convinced that most good people who die (if they actually die) wind up in hell. This leaves but one course of action open to us, the living:
We must rescue every condemned soul from Satan’s clutches. I’m not quite sure how to do that. I’ve started by flushing mouthwash and soap down the toilet, under the assumption that my toilet acts like a portal to hell, in order to wash Satan’s mouth out (with soap) or at least alleviate some of the stench that I’m sure the damned suffer with (using mouthwash). What we really need to do is find an actual physical opening to hell, and get ready with battalions of fire trucks, ambulances, food trucks, and who knows what else (I’m open to suggestions).
Oh, and despite the fact that I wrote that last paragraph in a kind of whimsical, almost silly, tone, I am totally serious. (I wrote this about a month ago. My antichrist stuff resembles bipolar disorder where there are highs and lows. This was written during a high. Currently, I’m not flushing odd things down the toilet… at least not frequently.)